So Dave is driving home in winter in Dearborn, and while turning left gets broadsided by semi slipping on a patch of black ice.

He wakes up in Hell, and is immediately shredded, branded, and thrown into a rock quarry- breaking rocks, pushing them to another part of the quarry, where other souls are forced to beat them into boulders.  While the souls are wailing in torment, Dave just whistles a toon and breaks the rocks and pushes the carts of them over.  A demon flies up- “What the hell, man?  Why aren’t you screaming?”

“I grew up on a farm, this ain’t too much different than bailing hail or digging the fields.”

“Okay, motherfucker!” The demon snatched up Dave’s soul threw him into the Lava Slurry- shoveling lava from the hellpits into canals that flowed downwards back into the pits- a real Sisyphusan nightmare.  While souls screamed from the heat and the pointlessness of it all, Dave hummed ditties throughout the day.

A different demon flew up a few days later. “Dave, isn’t it?  Why are you humming?  It’s godsdamned lava, this shit it hot.  And just repetitive shit over and over, its never gonna end.  Stop humming.  Suffer, man, c’mon.”

“I worked on an assembly line for years- same shit, over and over, getting hot as hell in the summer.  I done this.”

The demon got on his cellphone, then turned back and smiled evilly.  “We’ve got you, Dave.”  He snatched Dave up, and brought him to a freezing wasteland.  No work, no other souls, just ice and snow and freezing cold reaching into the sub-absolute-zero range.  The demon threw him, naked and alone, into a snow drift and flew off…

Moments later, Lucifer himself appeared, laughing in triumph.  He knew this would break Dave’s soul- until he looked down and saw Dave dancing, singing, throwing snow into the air like a kid whose school was just cancelled.


“I can’t be mad, man, the Lions just won the Super Bowl!  The Lions just won the Super Bowl!!!”